Men and Abortion

TALKING WITH YOUR PARTNER

Men and women communicate in very different ways. Women place a lot of emphasis on first impressions and in this situation even a neutral reaction may be seen as a lack of support. One woman said she had an abortion because her partner's first reaction was "Okay, I don't mind either way". Another because her partner casually said "If you want" and changed the subject. Both women took this casualness to be a lack of interest and support, but found out later that all their partners needed was time to adjust to the new situation. If you really want to help your partner you should talk openly and frankly, get as much information as possible and don't base your decision on the results of one conversation. Above all ask your partner to give you time to think things through.

You may feel that, because of the way society has labelled abortion as a "woman's issue", your partners decision has nothing to do with you. You may think that your partner should be taking this decision on her own. But is this true?

With many couples the responsibility for an abortion decision also rests with the man because few women will have an abortion against the wishes of a supportive partner. Her response will depend on how you react. What your partner needs to know is what you truly think. Saying "whatever you want" still leaves the weight on her shoulders.

Your partner needs reassurance that you are not planning to abandon her. That you care enough to face with her the consequences of your sexual relationship.

EFFECTS OF ABORTION

Generally men know very little about abortion. Abortion is not something to be considered lightly - there are physical and mental health risks to abortion. It will be helpful to read through the leaflet "The Facts About Abortion".

Trauma from an abortion can also affect men. Guilt and hurt after an abortion can drive couples apart, especially if one partner was unsure about the decision. Often couples split up following an abortion.

You may want your relationship back to where it used to be, but this is impossible. Sometimes men react with a gut instinct that it is better to do something quickly and worry about the consequences later. A common reaction is "get rid of it". But this is not one of those situations, and an abortion will not put things back as they were. In short, both you and your partner have been permanently changed by the pregnancy.

Some men feel guilty about what they have done and then find it difficult to form close relationships in the future. Some disguise their feelings by remaining emotionally cold and distant. One man said "following the abortion I split up with my girlfriend and it was only years later I realised that I had never settled down and got married because of the abortion".

There is a deep instinct in men to protect women and children. An abortion can undermine a man's confidence in himself and he can come to think of himself as a failure - a failure as a partner, a failure as a father, a failure as a man.

Many men's lives have been harmed by abortion. That is why it is important that you are involved in the decision, allow yourself plenty of time to think things through and talk openly with your partner.

MAKING YOUR DECISION

If you really want to help your partner be honest with her. This is a tough and confusing situation. But it can also be a chance to change and mature. Are you going to run? Or will you take the first steps of genuine love by staying with her when the going gets tough? In either case, your partner is not the only one who has to make some important choices.

If you would like to talk with a male councillor